Emilia's first swimming class!
Emilia had her first swimming class today, and she LOVED IT! I can’t explain the amount of completeness that I feel being her mother as I watched her swim. It’s so hard to find the right words to express my love for her. Don’t get me wrong, I have many moments during the day when I could just strangle her because she’s usually trying to strangle her sister… I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world!
It seems just like yesterday that I experienced this unbelievable loss . Marta Rose will always be seen in my eyes, as my amazing mother…..
Marta Rose
Christmas Day 2007
Brother and Liliana
She could not wait to be a grandmother!
Emilia with her grandparents!
Strong women
She fought right up till the end....
Mom, you are missed everyday. I love you yesterday,today and tomorrow. Thank you for all that you taught me. Forever beautiful……
In this dream, again, I feel fear. Fear to love the baby.
“ I follow two nurses to a back room at the hospital for my first follow-up appointment since the miscarriage. One nurse says to the other, “She has had her second miscarriage, Im sure she will have a lot of questions for you.” As I’m lead down a winding corridor, I follow one nurse into a room, she’s holding a new born wrapped in a blanket. As we sit down and begin to talk, I’m choking back my tears telling her, I’m fine. But I can’t look at her or I will start to cry. She places the baby on the floor at my feet. It’s a test. The nurse watches my behavior and is judging just how “fine” I am by how I react to the baby on the floor. I force myself to pick up the baby because I know if I don’t than she will deem me “Not Fine” and in need of some counseling for my lose. As I hold the baby it turns into a puppy and I become more comfortable holding the puppy and think that I have succeeded in fooling the nurse. But the entire time I feel great fear and sadness and also a woman who has been rejected from society because I can’t carry a baby……
Whenever I get upset with people, I try to imagine them as they were as small children.
"Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved" - Soren Kirkegaard
When ever I feel rage in my heart because someone is acting so unfair, so inconsiderate, so wrong. And I want to judge them on their behavior, I stop and imagine them how they were when they were small children. The innocence, the fearless heart and the unconditional love that they, we, start out with. And like magic, I’m able to not take it personally and let it go, forgive them of their faults as I forgive myself.
This is my favorite poem in the world. It was read at my wedding and I will read it to my children some day.
An inspiration of love right outside my front door.
Brown Penny by: William Butler Yeats
| I WHISPERED, ‘I am too young,’ And then, ‘I am old enough’; Wherefore I threw a penny To find out if I might love. ‘Go and love, go and love, young man, If the lady be young and fair.’ Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny, I am looped in the loops of her hair. O love is the crooked thing, There is nobody wise enough To find out all that is in it, For he would be thinking of love Till the stars had run away And the shadows eaten the moon. Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny, One cannot begin it too soon. |
The happiest day of my life, marrying Geoff.
We started the baby making process on the honeymoon. Three short months later, I was pregnant and Geoff had been 98% diagnosed with cancer. How about that for the first 6 months of marriage. It was a happy-sad situation. Geoff soon became cleared of having cancer, shortly after I became cleared of being pregnant. I had miscarried. But everyone kept telling me about everyone else they knew who has had one and went on to have children, no problem. “No Problem” is what I thought too until I lost my second.
The day I lost my second at 11 weeks pregnant, I found an author who has written a book, Fertile Heart, in which she talks about using positive images to “meet your baby half way” And this is what transpired the very first night………
In this dream I am an unwed mother who gave up her twin boys to an ex boyfriend to take care of. He is not the father of the twins but he lives close by. He hasn’t told the boys who is their mother or why she is not in their life. The twins are about one year old and they talk like the baby boy in the Etrade commercials……..this is what happened………I walk up to the twins, one of them asks, ” Who are you” I tell them, breaking the secret, “Im your mother.” The baby boy smiles and replies, ” Oh we would be so happy to have you as our mother” I am frightened in my heart that I just let the cat out of the bag feeling like a mother might feel after reuniting with a child she gave up for adoption……I call my ex boyfriend and tell him that I am ready to be with the boys and would like to start spending time with them. He replies I’ve been waiting for you to call, I really would love for you to be with them. This surprises me as I am expecting him to be upset that I just jumped back into their life without warning. Next I meet the other twin who is sick shivering with seizures and wrapped in a blanket, he had been to the doctor who performed tests, my ex boyfriend was waiting for results. I felt so badly for the little one but was instructed to leave him be. I want so much to be with the boys and live with them and my ex boyfriend…..but I can’t, I’m married to Geoff and I won’t leave him. So the dream ends with me in utter despair in the situation I am in………unable to get to my babies ………What I am left with and what haunts me in my heart is that my baby was so fun of love and wanted to be with me so badly and I was just scared to love that baby back…………..
This dream is a 180 of the dreams I was having during this last pregnancy. All I kept dreaming about was having miscarriage after miscarriage. And guess what, I miscarried. At least in this dream my babies met me half way, they want to be with me……….This blog, I promise, will be one of light and truth not of sadness and struggle………….
Emilia is the love of my life. She made me a mother for the first time. It was a very bittersweet day when she turned four. You are never truly ready for that next step with your children . I fear what’s to come and how good of a mother I will be to my kids, but I’m up for the challenge!
